Today

I cannot write. Cannot write, cannot write cannotwritecannotwrite.
There is nothing to say, it’s all been read,saidanddone. I cannot write
right: my idealism won’t countenance these mongrel awkwardnesses, won’t
afford them the space, award them the effort, free them for flight —
the gut-dropping, nose-first dive I know it will inevitably be. I cannot write
for that. Not for that. Never. for. that. clipped and terrifying journey.
Each work in turn too small, too frail, too crippled, too pained, too
unfinished… unacclaimed.

But is this the true root of the issue? That I am simply downtrodden
by rejection, by anonymity, by the bruises and blisters, the loss of
braincells resulting from my headfirst dashes at the thick, glass ceiling
above, between me and — who knows what?
Maybe the real problem is that I don’t believe in anything upon anything
else anymore, not after the candle burned out, after the fire died, its smokey
tail lifted away and up to a place I cannot reach or imagine: dissipation.

Now all I can imagine is what I can’t have: the end of the line, that bright and
beckoning finish line, that warm and fulfilling completion that, all said and
done, stops Be-ing, stops weaving, jumping, meaning, feeling, sharing,
hoping: a stagnant place of immobility and grey, building block of infinity
brought to naught, all the curves removed, the shapes nothing without
motion, motive, destination,and the forge fires of Hope.

Death, of a strange kind, is what I seek now, all un-beknownst to
my lackluster soul.

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vapour

again and again
overwhelmed by tears that do not come

heating my face, burning my eyes, stoppering
my throat like a cork in a bottle

the possible and the real take a back seat to
everything that is not
the darkness i feel, like

my soul evaporating within

c. Kate Gough, 17.11.2017

Constructed

Screen Shot 2017-08-17 at 16.37.03

 

you’re
\ \ \ so carefully constructed
flaunting what you
\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ think
they want to see
\ \ \ a rare yet
\ \ \ ordinary concoction of
\ exotic and reliable
\ likeable, careful, reserved:
never
known.

but when you look in the mirror
thousands of dead
birds fly the nest,
falling out of your eyes
to rest
forever
\
still.

~Kate Gough, 8/6/17

my ink_

i.

my ink Grows
greenly
in the deep blue Sea of
(V a s t, this)night,

sending roots
down deep, tendrils
up and out
— a r OUnD

in anticipation of the break
(ing of soil,) of dawn and
s w e e t a i r —|

but for now, Rest.

Satisfied in soily blackness; Rest,

swept by weeping curtains of —    —     —Rain
this night in the reservoir.

~*~**~*~

ii.

you see,

you must understand: a river
runs, maze-like
within my flesh– R – u – S – h
– e – S in, between, t Hhr OU
gH, over and around my
Veins(sTrAinInG

(–but not to bReAk–
capillaries coping, coping,
coping) with aged, Sorrowing Salt:
insidious. Deathly.

…vein-deep blue
is my color yet. and BlaCk…
like the night of a sightless embryo
adrift in a windless sea.

——-

iii.

my ink Grows
with an Invisible
hue; its living color
fades into nightly
black-and-blue
Pain.

…feels like all the
growth is in
Vain.

c. Mary Kathryn Gough
3/2/05 1.52 pm
edit: 5.13.06 10.36 am london
edit: 5.13.06 5.39 pm london
edit: 4.23.12 7.13 pm wales

conservation of matter / energy

woke this morning, lifted salty
eyes to a small window frosted with chill.

condensed upon the pane: night’s dew
from my cheeks and shining eyes, transformed.

outside, dark-needled giants bow, scrape
Earth, weighed down with the
weight of my
heart;
white as snow.

somewhere, a cardinal wreaks havoc.

 

c. Mary Kathryn Gough
11/9/05 11.53 am oregon cabin
(abt 11/7/05, unexpected snow)
small edit: feb 17 2010 1.44 pm london

Matter.

don’t feel like turning myself on my head
just to look at the world with new eyes.

to see it all through glass or crystal,
doesn’t matter.

burning lava or glowing rubies set in silver —
my heart is blank and empty because everything

is(n’t) good just the way it is(n’t)
and that’s the way it is.

i haven’t the heart to paint.

c. Mary Kathryn Gough, 2/14/04
[edit 12/8/05 12.14 pm]
[edit 11/25/11 2.26pm]